On Wednesday morning, the for-sale sign went up on our house. It is an extremely strange feeling. My kids, while born in the US, have spent the last 6 years here. There are many memories, laughter and fun in this house. And more than a few scratches in the wood floor.
I will miss this country. It is one embedded deeply in my heart, and fortunately, being married to a Brazilian, I will always visit. Will I live here again? Who knows. There is lots unknown ahead of us: will repatriation really be harder than expatriation as everyone tells me? Will my friends in the US still be my friends when I get there? Will my friends in Brazil still be my friends when we visit for shorter periods of time in the future?
One of the hardest parts is knowing that my kids will not grow up with their third-cousin, now a close friend living right across the river. They won't hear Julia, their first cousin, say her first word. They won't participate in club championships, maybe will give up ballet, capoeira or judo, will lose the "best" in best friend with their school friends...distance does that. Yes, they will always be friends but not like they were. We have experienced that already moving the kids from one school to another across São Paulo.
I worry about great-grandma, who will turn 95 in July. She is on a slow slide now. She lives three hours away now; soon to be 13 by plane. I worry about BH's parents--as much as I like to poke fun and "complain", they are wonderful grandparents full of fun and teachings. My kids will not be a weekend visit away.
I worry about the Portuguese. Fortunately, near Boston there will be many Brazilians. My kids will now have to take language classes to hold that Portuguese. This beautiful language will now become our home language, rather than English.
What keeps me awake at night? Besides my current sinus infection that is... Here's what keeps me awake at night: change. What's that old saying that you can't steal second base while standing on first? (sorry, I may have to explain this to non-Americans). We have a great life here; we are looking to make it better. What if we get called out?
Scary times. And I don't mean the World Cup. I mean the next six months.
And that's Brazil in My Eyes for today.
I think I know the feeling. We're not quite there yet but seriously considering it and that's already a bit scary and sad in some senses. You're right, though, you can't get something new without losing something else (maybe letting go is a better way of thinking about it).
ReplyDeleteI've been wanting to head back for a year or so but as it gets close, I am just filled with trepidation. I've always had to exaggerate in job interviews about how I like change and multi-tasking (I don't) and I guess I haven't slept well in about a month. The kids are feeling it too. As much as you think it through and think you are making the right move...when you get there, it's scary as heck. And being on antibiotics right now, I can't even drink ;)
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