This just doesn't stick - São Paulo

Pizzolato. Photo credit: http://www1.folha.uol.com.br/

When I lived in Miami from 2002-2008, I briefly volunteered for an organization run by the sister of IndyCar driver Tony Kanaan. Tony is Brazilian as is Karen, and I did some translations from Portuguese to English of their literature. During a meeting at their headquarters, Karen taught me an expression that I love. 

Frustrated by a particular argument about how the place should run an event, Karen pinched her index finger and the side of her thumb together and made a pinching motion a couple of times, saying "isso não cola." Literally this means "this doesn't glue" or "this doesn't stick." I had to ask what the expression really meant and she said "that argument doesn't work" or "that argument doesn't hold water." Basically you are saying that the glue that was holding together your argument is not sticking.

This just doesn't stick! Image: Sprint

I thought of this expression today as I am reading the news that one of the men sentenced in the Mensalão corruption scandal had been caught. After being sentenced to 12 years for his role in the scheme, Henrique Pizzolato had fled through Argentina to Spain and then to Italy. The Italian and Brazilian police found him in his nephew's apartment in a small town in Italy. Personally, I don't think he was trying too hard not to get caught. You see, Italy has no extradition law, and Pizzolato is an Italian passport holder (lots of Brazilians of Italian descent are able to get an Italian passport, even a hundred years after their family has left the old country). 

Now, how did he get into Europe, where the Brazilian police suspected he would go, if he had no Brazilian passport to leave the country? It had been confiscated during the Mensalão judgement. Apparently he walked. Not on water. No, he drove to border of Brazil and Argentina in Santa Catarina, walked across then flew onto Spain, and finally got to Italy. 

But here's the part that gets sticky...then unsticky.  Since 2007, this Henrique Pizzolato has been planning his escape route. His brother Celso had died in 1978 at the age of 24 in a car accident, I believe. But he was resuscitated in 2007. He still had his identity documents in order (don't you have to report death here and wipe out the numbers? Hmmm) and so he registered to vote and to get a passport. And Celso, the dead guy, voted in the 2008 election (for which candidates, I'd like to know) and got himself his Brazilian and Italian passports. 
 
Really? The Brazilian federal police didn't notice that the RG (like a social security number) was for a dead guy? Yes, it had Pizzolato's photo, not a dead guy in a casket photo but seriously. Isso não cola. It doesn't stick. Maybe I should apply for citizenship of random countries by checking through the obituaries. It sure would be easier than applying the legal way through the federal police as an American. (Dear US authorities aka NSA, I do not want dual citizenship. I am not applying under any person's name, dead or alive, for Brazilian or Italian citizenship).

Photo credit http://oglobo.globo.com/pais/pizzolato-preso-na-italia-com-documento-falso-diz-policia-federal-11509979

So here's a copy of "Celso"'s passport. Wow, does he look like Henrique. And not too bad for a dead guy. Now what I hear the Italian authorities are saying is that he cannot be deported because he holds Italian citizenship. But do both Celso and Henrique hold Italian citizenship? Because if Henrique's got revoked, I think there might be a loophole on sending the dead guy Celso home. 

Why does Brazil even bother coming up with original stories for novelas? Piada pronta! Ready joke! No one seems to worry about "isso não cola" here. So what if it doesn't make sense?

In any case, Pizzolato seems to think he's pretty safe where he is. As one of my other favorite expressions goes (blog post here): "Tudo acaba em pizza." Everything will be fine...for him.

 

Backdoor - São Paulo

Late last year, BH sent me a link to a video on the internet. He does this quite frequently and there is only so much I can watch about Palmeiras or politics or the economy, so I didn't open it right away. Later that night he said: no, seriously, you need to watch it. It was called "Depoimento" (filing a police report) and was on the youtube page called "Porta dos Fundos."

In the video, link here, a woman is at the police station describing being robbed. Or not describing, as the case may be. No matter how many times the detective asks direct questions like "what was he wearing" or "was he black or white?", she returns inoffensive vague answers like "He was wearing what I suppose he could afford" or "I'd like to think of him first as a human being." There is nothing the detective can do to extract the race of the suspect, the exact clothing he was wearing, or anything that would help locate the suspect. It is hilarious (to those of you who speak Portuguese) and I am always so amazed how comedians can keep a straight face.

Created in mid-2012, this comedy troupe Porta dos Fundos does all its work online. They don't have a live show. They don't have a TV show. It is all on youtube. They poke fun at most parts of daily life here, and have been so successful that a company they ridiculed online enjoyed the farce so much, it hired them to do two commercials for them. 

I don't really know where their name comes from but I'm guessing they are using Backdoor in the internet sense. A way of bypassing internet security is my best non-techy explanation. BH says there is another definition of porta dos fundos, but this is a family page and I won't go into that.

Their Christmas special was more than a little on the edge when they suggested that the Virgin Mary had sex with the Holy Spirit and the Father to make the Son (Holy Trinity), and also showed Jesus negotiating to not be nailed onto the cross. The evangelists have not taken kindly to this and have a full-fledged campaign against the comedy troupe.

At this point, Porta dos Fundos is the fifth most popular (in terms of subscriptions) online comedy channel worldwide (source here). I crack up most of the time when I watch one of these. A friend sent me this one called Moda or Fashion which shows two women shopping for a new burqa.  Without speaking Portuguese, it might be hard to get the nuances, but in the end the choices are black, black or black, and the one woman who risks a burqa with a "decolletage" (showing her eyes) is stoned by another shopper. 

My all-time favorite is "Suborno" or Bribe. It shows a couple pulled over by the police, and the policeman asking, in a roundabout way, for a bribe. The driver doesn't understand, calls over his wife, who doesn't understand, and slowly a whole crowd builds up as they all try to understand the policeman subtly asking for some money. 

This cracks me up the most because I had no idea there were so many ways to ask for money..."we could find a way to resolve this situation with an alternative solution that is beneficial to both sides" or "we could have a collaboration that would resolve this." Okay, those are my translations but it's worth a couple of minutes even if you don't speak Portuguese to see the faces of these people as they try to understand the officer.

As Jose Simão, my other favorite comedian/journalist says, it's a country of the ready joke. Piada Pronta. You don't have to look too far.

Baby, you can drive my car - São Paulo

So, here is my husband driving too fast. You can tell it is him because of the license plate (blacked out by me, but visible in this ticket). He was caught on radar being bad at Avenida Pompeia. I'm sure he did not even notice the radar--my guess it was right at that point where he was trying to provide the kids with a "gela-saco" moment (see this past blog). 

Now what if it wasn't my husband driving the car? Ultimately it would be his responsibility to take this ticket and the four points on his license. But, given that this is electronic monitoring, he can claim it was me (which is what he is doing) or anyone else who is willing to take the points on the license. Just send in a copy of the driver's license, sign, and the points are given away. 

In this case, these did become my points. You have a limit of 20 points per year and BH already has a few on his license. In fact he has three points for letting his parking meter expire. That one needs to be explained to me. How do you get points on your license for a non-moving violation? Huh? No one in New York would be ever allowed to drive again.

I love the trade in traffic tickets. The worst drivers are still on the road because they simply find a relative or friend to take the points, or there are even individuals that "sell" their license numbers and accept your points. I'm not saying that we ever did this, but BH's grandmother was driving pretty fast for her age until finally giving up her license a few years ago.

Master Chi Fu - São Paulo

Chi Fu Restaurant: image credit br.kekanto.br

So, as I mentioned yesterday, the Chinese New Year street celebration was hot and took long enough for us to build up a mighty hunger. For years now I have heard about a Chinese restaurant named "Chi Fu"--for various reasons (flat tire, double-booked lunches, illness) I had missed numerous invitations there. But not Sunday--we were right across the street.

My friend Michelle, a teacher at my kids' school, also told us that her son was anxious to have his friends try out frog legs. If you thought my kids at all squeamish, you would be wrong. They would eat fried bugs if the challenge were there. Actually they would probably feel sorry for the bugs.

Chi Fu is across the street from the Praça da Liberdade and almost literally on top of the Liberdade metro station. Its entryway reminded me of every Chinese restaurant I have ever been in--reception in front, carp pond, waiting line and not-nearly enough room for waiting and sitting. When we got there, Michelle went up to the reception desk and spoke to them in Chinese. What she probably said is "these sunburned gringos need to eat NOW so can you help me out?" We were seventh on a wait list, and with 8 people, I thought that would be an hour. But no, they said 20 minutes. In reality it was 10 minutes.

A waitress! Grab her, quick!

All the tables are large and round, seating anywhere from 10 to 20 people. If you have a small group and the waitlist is big, expect to share a table. In the middle of each one is one of those lazy Susan devices which generally causes a huge issue with my twins as they each want to drive it a different direction. This time I got smart and seated them next to each other.

Michelle did the ordering for us: we made no attempt to understand the waitresses. This is the biggest complaint I hear on the web reviews--service is non Portuguese speaking, and non-existent. Michelle ordered frog legs, rice, sweet and sour chicken, pork and Chinese watercress. My kids were terribly disappointed that we did not get noodles so they could pose like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda with a noodle on their lips. 

The food was great, particularly the frog legs which were lightly fried. You did have to be a little patient to nibble all the meat from those tiny bones (oops, sorry, vegetarians). Michelle got up to get forks and knives for my kids (who had resorted to stabbing things with their chopsticks), to get a water for me and also got the to-go boxes at the end. Service is not fast. Do not go there starving. The quantities are huge, however. We brought home much of the food.

The kids ate quickly and then disappeared to the front of the restaurant. When I went to check on them, I caught one of my twins trying to catch the foot-and-a-half long carp with his bare hands. Funny how our check came really quickly. It was in Chinese, though, so we had Michelle check it. For all that food, it was about $20 per adult. I probably would have been charged more if my kid had actually caught the carp.

Chi Fu Restaurant
Praça Carlos Gomes, 200
Liberdade
Open every day 11 am-4 pm, 6 pm-10 pm

Ah, and don't bring your credit or debit cards, nor check. Cash only.

Lions and Dragons, oh my! - São Paulo

The white lion. His tail wags and eyelids wink.

One of my sons takes Chinese class after school once a week. Yes, he is only 7 years old and I don't know how much of this he will retain, but he loves it and it's taught by a friend of mine. So, when we were invited to go with this teacher and another friend's family to Chinese New Year celebrations in São Paulo, we immediately said yes.

The celebrations were over two days and located in the neighborhood of Liberdade, a place I really need to visit more often. Liberdade is known as the Japanese neighborhood, and has the largest concentration of people of Japanese descent in the city. And, if you didn't already know it, São Paulo has the biggest "colony" of Japanese outside of Japan. Cool. It also has other Asian stores and some of the best Chinese food in the city.

This past month has been the hottest month on record in São Paulo, and one family quickly gave up on the outing. But we are hardcore. Temperatures that afternoon were to reach 95F/35C. 

My teacher friend and I decided to metro in and met at the Faria Lima station on the yellow line. I only specify this because the yellow line is the youngest line in São Paulo and it is "beleza" or a beauty. Driverless cars, clean, new, flashy light above the train door exit to tell you at which station you have arrived.  We had to switch in Luz to the blue line. The Blue Line, poor thing, is the first metro line of São Paulo, and indeed the first one built in Brazil, and was inaugurated in the early 1970s. And it shows--dark stations, crappy train cars. 

We packed ourselves in with people coming from the intracity bus station, with bicyclists and bicycles from the morning's Bike Tour event, and the usual collection of riff raff and non-riff raff. By the way, I count myself as riff-raff.

Open Sesame! Our three lion magnets getting on the metro-oh-oh!

When we got to Liberdade, the place was packed. I was alone with the 7 year old twins that day and I was quite stressed out hanging on to them. We met up with our South African friends and went to find ourselves a place to save for the passing Dragon dance scheduled one hour from then. The one dad held down the kids (not literally) and the places (literally) while the moms went in search of tasty treats for the 3 boys and 1 girl. Needless to say that the very second we leave the house in the morning, my kids are starrrrrrving. We got some meat, fish and shrimp on a stick. That is a very bad translation.

We were about 30 feet from the main stage, and when we arrived, there was a calligraphy demonstration and then a guy trying to teach us all a bit of Chinese. I will never again forget the word for horse as yelled by 500 people "mah". Not "maaaaaaaaah". Not "maaaaaannnhhhh". My son who is taking Chinese loves this particular word so I had actually known it before I got there but by the end of the teaching session, we were both laughing too hard to get the word right.

Then came bizarreness. As we waited for the dragons, a cover band came up with a woman lead singer. They commenced to serenade us with such Chinese classics as "Come Together" by the Beatles, "Welcome to the Jungle" by whatever those guys names are, "Take on Me" by a-ha (I am not kidding, this was the actual playlist. So weird!) and my personal favorite "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC. At a Chinese New Year celebration? Did someone cancel last minute? Did the organizers forget to listen to the demo tape? Ear-splitting.

And so we waited and waited. We finally could see the dragons way down the street. There was one, or was that a mirage and there were two? Does anyone remember that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the attacking army is coming and coming but never gets there? They seem to always be in the same place and then after a looooonnnnnngggg time, they are right there killing you. The dragons were coming towards us for about an hour, and then suddenly they were there and then suddenly they were gone!

11:30. Dragon waaaaaaay down the street

12:00 Dragon still too far way to see well (it's the gold thing)

 

 

 

Aggh! 12:15 Dragon on top of us! Photo credit to my friend Michelle

The best news is finally the Beatles/AC-DC/ a-ha cover band shut up so we could concentrate on the good stuff. Two dragons came first, and then some drummers and then came the lion dance. I had a feeling that our three boys were going to come in for some attention. My friend's son is Filipino/Chinese and was wearing a cute Chinese shirt, one of my twins is bright blonde and the other attracts attention with his green eyes. So it surprised me not at all when they got it.

But first, does everyone know what is a dragon dance? I didn't. Not really. Dragons in Chinese tradition are linked to good luck, wisdom and long life. I also see that they are linked to "life-giving rains" which might explain why we finally got about a millimeter of rain late in the afternoon (after I was already at a superbowl party and not in Liberdade anymore). So dragon dances are performed at New Year to scare away evil spirits. They follow a ball of wisdom to the accompaniment of drums. The two dragons swirling and "flying" were the highlight of the day.

Or were they? Then came the "cute" lions made up of one person in the front and one in the back. Tradition is that these also bring good luck. The dancers were fantastic, and you can only imagine how they must have been suffering in the heat, jumping around under giant costumes. Two of the lions passed by without taking any notice of the kids. The third, a gorgeous white and blue and pink one, stopped at our three boys, winked his giant eyes three times, put his "paw" (clad in black trainers) on the cord and charmed us all. As he walked on, he shook his head, and wagged his tail. It was enchanting.

Nope, does not see the kids

Also not seeing the kids

BINGO! The white lion spies the three kids

He winks three times

And shows the kids his "paw"

The kids were in love. With a large white lion with black trainers. A red lion also stopped by for a visit and flapped its lashes at them, then all the lions and dragons ended up on the stage.

We were maxxed out on heat and crowds so we headed over for lunch at the one and only Chi Fu. But that's a blog for tomorrow.

Happy Year of the Horse!

Source for Lion Dance and Dragon Dance information: http://www.topmarks.co.uk/ChineseNewYear/LionDance.aspx

Rubber chickens and popes on the ceiling - Piracaia

It is true that we got passed by a motoboy wearing shorts, carrying two large bags of stuff and with a rubber chicken riding shotgun (na garupa in Portuguese). This is not, of course, in São Paulo but in Piracaia about two hours from the city. 

Piracaia is on our way to the fazenda (the ranch where we rent a house) and the first town where you really notice that you are no longer following city rules. Population is only 23,000, and I would suggest that horses might have been counted to make up that number. In case you are wondering (doubtful, but possible), the name Piracaia comes from the Tupi language and means "baked fish." 

Now the horses have also been passed by the rubber chicken.

Apparently Piracaia is also home to the largest crucifix in the world, the Santo Cruzeiro, which is 14 meters (46 feet) tall. I've never seen it. Might have to go find it. Also a church that has all the popes painted on the ceiling...haven't seen that either. Santo Antonio da Cachoeira. Might have to see that too. So much to see, so little time.

 

Summer shots - Sao Paulo

Welcome to my backyard morning loveliness...before the infernal hotness...

Dogs--did you know I have two? One is Caju, age 13, adopted as a puppy and a survivor of Miami (hahaha), 3 cancers, 3 tick disease bouts, epilepsy, pancreatitis and various minor bug incidents.

And Haifa, 11 years old, loosely related to Caju, adopted at age 9 from Brazil's largest lab kennel. She had countless puppies and now is very retired.

And that's just a little bit more about me.